The book that changed my life.
One day I was roaming through the local library in the Self-Help section, when a bright pink book cover grabbed my attention. I read the title, ADHD for Smartass Women, and thought, “Eh. I don’t need this.”
Yet something made me take it home anyway. I was kind of intrigued to know if smart-ass women can really have ADHD! I had only heard of young boys who can’t sit still or just “need more discipline” having it … certainly not adult women.
Wow was my perception of this disorder far off. I read this book from cover to cover in almost one sitting. Not only was I wrong and feeling a little bad for what my perception has always been, but I was floored at how much I could relate to it. Almost every single word.
“Do I have ADHD? Nah. I’m just reading too much into it.”, I thought.
The author, Tracy Otsuka, has a Facebook group called ADHD for Smartass Women, which she mentions in the book. Out of curiosity, I joined.
Oh, my good Lord!! I couldn’t believe how much I was relating to every single post. I found my people! I felt seen and heard.
I also began to look through her website Tracy Otsuka - ADHD Coach & Host Of ADHD For Smart A8** Women, which I highly recommend you look at if you are curious. I related to so much there also.
I returned the book and continued to follow the Facebook group, but otherwise, I forgot about ADHD altogether and carried on with my life.
However, since I had been working through other things in my life in the past year in regard to bettering my mental health, I decided to reach out to a psychiatrist. I have been to a handful of social workers and psychologists over the years, but never a psychiatrist.
I was always too afraid to or just didn’t think I needed to see one. I mean, sometimes I’m slightly unhinged, but not truly “crazy” … right? Perhaps I just didn’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss!
A few weeks later at my very first appointment, I was diagnosed with ADHD.
What?! I’m a 43-year-old woman. Even after reading the book and feeling a “normal”, whatever that means, presence in the Facebook group, I still couldn’t believe it.
Oh, yay! Another diagnosis to add to my list of many others, including anxiety, PTSD, and off-and-on depression. However, some of the ADHD symptoms are very distinct, and many I’ve had them since I was probably in middle school!
Here’s a list of a few:
Having to read paragraphs or even sentences repeatedly to understand what I just read.
Constant racing mind.
Playing with my ears. Weird, I know. This goes along with fidgeting, or some people pick at their cuticles.
Disorganized personal spaces and being perceived as lazy/not clean.
Impulsiveness. I like to get SUPER excited about starting projects, whether small or potentially life-altering, go all in at 100 mph, get super overwhelmed, abruptly stop, and then sit in ADHD paralysis for days. Rinse and repeat for eternity.
Managing finances improperly. (Hello impulsive spending.)
Binge eating and binge drinking.
To be clear, the list above pertains to my own struggle. ADHD in adult women presents differently for everyone.
For example, a very common symptom of ADHD is tardiness or forgetting appointments. I have the opposite trait. If I have an appointment, I stress about it all day until the appointment begins. Sometimes for days!
To not drive myself insane, I absolutely must make all appointments in the early mornings. If I’m not at least 20 minutes early, sitting in the parking lot sipping my coffee, I’m a complete anxious wreck. I leave an hour and a half early for an appointment that is 45 minutes away.
It’s exhausting.
You will notice that my blog posts will often be all over the place because I write how I speak. I have learned to not obsess about this or “fix” it. I am my unapologetic authentic mess, and I am clearly not a “writer”. My apologies in advance. If you’re still reading, thank you. :)
Anyway, the point I’m trying to get at in this post …
As you can imagine, after meeting with this psychiatrist, after the initial shock wore off, I was excited! Finally! A diagnosis that explains why I am the way I am. We can move on with treatment in a way that we as a team decide is best for me, and my life will be better.
Then a few days went by, and I was … annoyed.
Disappointed.
Angry.
How did no one notice until now? No other psychologists caught onto this. Not one person?
Then I thought, no one really knew any better. Right? I was in school in the 80s and 90s when there was no internet or social media to spread awareness like there is now. Were teachers even aware of ADHD symptoms back then? I honestly have no idea.
Was ADHD in adult women not known about back then? I understand all these things are possible, but it also doesn’t make any of my anger go away.
How much better could my life have been? Could my grades have been better? I know they would have been. Would that have led to ending up on a different career path? Not that I don’t enjoy mine, but would it have been different?
I know I would have been much less impulsive, and my financial situation would be better.
Would I have had self-confidence, making my love life and relationships in general much less of a disaster? Knowing I have this could have alleviated so many years of anxiety and depression and wondering what the heck was wrong with me and why I was so different.
(Speaking of anxiety and depression, in all of my research about this topic recently, anxiety and depression are usually present with ADHD, making ADHD misdiagnosed in women more times than not.)
**If you’re a nerd like me, this is a good read. A review of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in women and girls: uncovering this hidden diagnosis - PubMed (nih.gov).